you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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