she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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