She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
