I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh
wow.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize
