happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Sorry man, but I'd rather do drugs with strangers than watch sports with you. It's not personal, drugs always beat sports.
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
