Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
