My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
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