Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
