i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
