This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
