Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize