i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
