There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
