I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
