Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
