Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
