I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
