and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
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