I only want to know people that are dynamic intelligent and totally insane
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Randomize
