Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
