I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
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