wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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