Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Randomize
