1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I'm bleeding and have questions
Randomize
