I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
Randomize
