stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
