the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was high enough to understand and function with 'flip' while playing brick breaker
Damn. I don't think I could ever be that high.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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