youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
