I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
I fill condoms, not promises.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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