I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
