Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
are you so shy because you have an std?
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
