A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
