Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Randomize
