I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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