I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
