I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
