She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Randomize
