I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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