I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
It's official drugs can't kill me
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Randomize
