He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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