I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
