didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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