remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
