i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
