He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
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