Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
