i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
