Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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