Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
I can't turn off my feet"
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Randomize
