Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
Randomize
