Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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