five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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