Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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