I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
