My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
