I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
You can't play that off as role play thing. You held my hips and kept yelling "put a baby in me!" That shit ain't cool.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Randomize
