I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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