Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
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